My alarm clock woke me this morning
With its infernal, hated pounding in my mind,
I huddled beneath my thick blankets
Trying to gather the pieces of a beautiful dream
That the noise had scattered,
I tried to sink back into my bed, and stay
Where the remnants of my dream were still warm and lingering,
Don’t make me go
Into the dominating daylight
That will eat at what I have left of this fantasy, this truth
I do my best to hold on tight to this one bit of reassurance I’ve been given,
And when I close my eyes
To recall what I can
I feel myself sinking into
A reverie of remembered sensuality.
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Okay, some revisions. Niteowl, I did take some of your suggestions, but I generally feel that for my work, too many periods kind of breaks up the flow, so I only added maybe one more. Thanks for the feedback!
My alarm clock woke me this morning
With its infernal, hated pounding in my mind,
I huddled beneath my thick blankets
Struggling to gather the pieces of a beautiful dream
That the noise had scattered;
I tried to sink back into my bed
And stay
Where the remnants of my dream
Were still warm and lingering.
Don’t make me go
Into the dominating daylight
That will eat at what I have left
Of this fantasy, this truth.
I do my best to hold on tight
To this one bit of reassurance I’ve been given,
And when I close my eyes
To recall what I can
I feel myself sinking into
A reverie of remembered sensuality.
It was a little hard to read, but I liked it once I figured out how it was supposed to be read.
With its infernal, hated pounding in my mind,
Just one typo [I assume]: hatred, not hated.
Idea-good. Line breaks and punctuation: bad.
My alarm clock woke me this morning
With its infernal, hated pounding in my mind, <-take out the first comma and change the next one to a period.
I huddled beneath my thick blankets
Trying to gather the pieces of a beautiful dream <-"the" disrupts the flow. I suggest getting rid of it.
That the noise had scattered, <Change comma into a period.
I tried to sink back into my bed, and stay <comma in middle of the line is usually bad. Move "and stay" to the next line.
Where the remnants of my dream were still warm and lingering, <I would split this line at "were"
Don’t make me go
Into the dominating daylight <For some reason, "dominating" seems awkward.
That will eat at what I have left of this fantasy, this truth <Split at "left" and in this case, the comma should stay but add a period at the end.
I do my best to hold on tight to this one bit of reassurance I’ve been given, <-Split at "tight" and use a period at the end.
And when I close my eyes
To recall what I can <comma here, since you used it everywhere else in your poem.
I feel myself sinking into
A reverie of remembered sensuality.<I really liked these last few lines. Good job.
Overall, this is good. I think stanzas are appropriate and would make it easier to read. I would break it at the 5th, 7th, and 11th lines of the original poem. Good job and keep it up!